I am currently living in a happy little bubble. Mr O, Miss Lovely and myself have spent several weekends together just hanging out, having lots of sex (obviously!), eating out, staying in, cooking, drinking, and so on. We've been able to talk about it on Twitter, with each other, and we even took her to a friend's birthday party this past weekend where we knew that we could all be affectionate with each other without raising too many eyebrows.
But I know it can't last. The only reason we have been able to spend so much time together over the past couple of weeks is that her housemate (who is also and more importantly a family member) has been away on holiday. Hence no questions on where she's been or why she's spending so much time with us. Hell, I'm sure there's already been a few questions after Miss L has stayed over at our place for the umpteenth Saturday night in a row.
I know Mr O intends to write a blog post about this and many other things shortly and so don't want to go into that specifically. Its up to her how she handles it really anyway (with as much support from us as she wants/needs). What it has got me thinking about is my family.
I am so happy and giddy (and *gasp* in love?!) right now that I just want to share it with the world and tell them to get fucked if they don't like it. And for the most part that's kind of how I live my life, but then there's the problem of family.
I left NZ in my mid-teens to escape my fundamentalist-Protestant-hell-fire-and-brimstone-homosexuality-is-a-sin-abortion-kills-god's-babies-contraception-is-B.A.D.-right-wing-etc-etc Mother, Step-father and eight younger half siblings. Yes I am the eldest of my mother's nine (9) children. Plus my step-father has two children older than me which makes a family of 11 kids. Obviously, I left because I got pregnant (only bad because I wasn't married, if the guy had put a ring on my finger I'm sure they would have been delighted). I say 'obviously' because seriously, what did they expect when they believe everything from the rhythm method to the contraceptive pill is against god's will? I mean yeah, I got some sex-ed in school but I was a teenager and teenagers aren't known for having fantastic cause and effect style reasoning. Also unsurprisingly, the abortion my father arranged for me was actually more of an issue than the getting pregnant part. But you could have figured that out for yourself, right?
'So what?' you're saying? 'They're never going to accept you anyway, why would you even care?' Well, you're right. I don't give a rat's ass what my mother or evil prick of a step-father thinks, my concern is for my younger siblings.
Currently, I am pretty much their only outlet to the real world. They live in this secluded, sheltered bubble of church, family and private schools. I worry especially for my sisters - the 17 year old is in a relationship with a guy who's 21 and which has been going on for several years now. It's sanctioned by the 'rents because he's the son of a church family in another city an hour or two's drive away (yes, because somehow being a good church boy will keep his cock in his pants). They even let him take her on a month-long family vacation to another fucking country (one that is one of the most violent and unsafe in the world I might add). She was forced to leave school early because she's 'not very good at it' (read, she generally scored btw 50-70% on tests/exams) and was sent to the equivalent of TAFE to do a secretarial course. Very fitting job for a woman, no? (NB as someone who was nine times out of ten top of my class and was dux in my final year of school, I feel really guilty about the expectations I've left for my siblings. Then again, with a father who's quite literally dumb as dogshit can they really be expected to match the genes I inherited from my overly intelligent father?)
The 14 year old confided in me several years ago when she was 12 that she had been fooling around with the pastor's son from the next town over - he was 14 at the time. As far as I can ascertain, he made her give him head although she was so embarrassed about saying anything and so withdrawn that I can't be certain what actually happened. She knows nothing about contraception having been taught sex-ed purely from a bible-based perspective, i.e. abstinence only till marriage, at her private Protestant school. Her self-esteem is lower even than mine was at the same age; just as I was, she is told on a daily basis that she is ugly, fat and all the rest of it. Not by the bullies at school, but by the two fucked up people that spawned her. To clarify, I'm a size 10, she's an 8. She has legs that go on forever and even at 14 her boobs have got to be at least a C, if not a D cup. Like the rest of the family, we're blonde, blue-eyed and generally considered highly attractive. She also looks more like me than any of the others do, hence her father's desire to crush her (I'm a reminder to him that my mother once actually had a husband that she loved. And it wasn't him).
And if that's not bad enough, I hate to think what is going to happen to the other two girls as they get older.
Thus in the context of making my relationship public to my family, how the fuck do I do that without being banished from the family entirely? I'm hanging on by a thread as it is! If my sisters are forced to delete their Facebook accounts, or at the very least delete me, if my phone number is deleted from their (secret) mobile phones, if I am no longer allowed to call... Who will they be able to turn to when they get into trouble? Who will the 14 year old be able to call next time her father decides to smash every one of her belongings (as he has done to her before, and did to me, and to my older brother before me)? Who will the 17 year old call when her boyfriend knocks her up and she's being forced into a hasty marriage? And what happens when (god forbid) one of the boys realises he's gay?
I don't know what is better, to be out with them and risk being separated from the girls but having them know that there is more to the world than what they are currently exposed to... Or staying where I am, a 'sinner' living out of wedlock who while disapproved of is still allowed to be in contact with them.
I almost think the latter is better, but it is going to be a very difficult decision. I want Miss Lovely to know that if I do decide to keep her from my NZ family it is not because I am in any way ashamed of her or what we have. It is not because Mr O is more important or more of a priority in my life. It is because there are four little girls out there who I adore and who need me. One day they'll leave home and can escape the clutches of the trolls who have raised them, on that day I will be proud to tell them everything.
- Omniher xx
P.S. Apologies if this post has been overly filled with vitriol, as you may have noticed I don't have a particularly high opinion of my mother or the prick she married. I've forgiven what was done to me at their hands a long time ago - I'm tough and smart and had the support of my atheist father - but every time I think about my sisters my blood boils. Wish I could just scoop them up and take them away...
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